I can’t sing. Or talk.

I lost my voice last night. >< I was at this pep rally for my school, and then I went to our football game (which we lost), and then this rave/dance thing. Aaaaaaand now I can’t talk, and I got really sick last night. 😛 This is not fun.

On another note, I want to talk about NaNo some more.

If I were a less lazy person, I would go look up this comment, but as it stands, I’ll paraphrase. I was talking about not doing NaNo a few posts back, and someone said to do it anyway, because it’s more important than school.

And that got me thinking. Though they may have been joking, I’m not entirely sure.

As it stands… I’m in two AP classes, and a math class that I’ve no business being in but can’t switch out of. (Pre-Calculus. Yuck.) My homework takes just about all night, most nights. I don’t think I could feasibly do the 150K I’d challenged myself to doing, even in the best of times, if I only did one subject of homework every night. (Homework is not fun.)

However, I think I may try for the 50K. It’s about 1700 words, I tell myself, and that’s really not that much, in the long run. Maybe an hour. I spend enough time frakking about on the internet; it could be used to write.

So I am tentatively in for November. I just love my plot so damn much. Not that it’s particularly good; I just want to write it, to see if I can.

So I’m kind of, sort of in for November. Should be… fun.

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Homework is not my friend.

So I’m taking two AP classes this year, English and World History. Hence, the lack of updating. My apologies.

(Also, sorry for that random ranty post last time. Ugh. I feel awkward having that up. :P)

Homework’s been killing me. I did something like 1200 words today, it was glorious. They suck, but I didn’t realize until I had to go without it for a couple of days, just how much writing means to me. I love it.

It’s almost a need to get the words down. I need to write them, and when I don’t, I’m not as happy, not as satisfied with other things. When I’ve written, even if only for a minute or five, I can get out all my emotions on the page, and can therefore go through the rest of the time without them weighing me down.

Sigh. I feel better, having written.

But… I don’t think I can do NaNo this year. Which, frankly, sucks. >< I love doing NaNo. It’s so much fun. But with the workload of this stupid History class, I don’t think I’ll be able to. ): Which is horribly depressing.

Right. Back to writing, while I have time.

Wake up, kid. You know you’re more than this.

There’s so much I know how to do.

So much more than all of you.

The only thing I wish I knew,

Was how to make them see

The girl that I can be…

So this is going to be more of a blog than anything else. Sorry.

I am so sick of people calling me ‘the quiet one’. Yes, I am quiet. Yes, I swear. Shit. Fuck. Damn. Ass. Bitch.

It makes me so damn mad when people think that because I’m quiet and shit, I obviously don’t have opinions or thoughts. That I don’t matter. Because I pay attention in class, and I’m nerdy about things. Hell, the beginning of this post is from a song in a Harry Potter spoof musical. I’m nerdy. I don’t mind that fact.

But that does not mean I’m not worth something. I downright refuse to be walked on anymore.

Last year, I was new. I didn’t know anybody, and I didn’t get mad when people treated me like shit.

No, that’s a lie.

I got mad. Pissed.

There were a bunch of seniors, basically, that treated me like shit. They called me “sophomore whore” and a whole bunch of other names. And I’m not complaining about them. Really. It was all in good fun, I knew that, and if I minded, well, I should have stood up for myself, put my foot down.

But I wanted so badly to be accepted, that I didn’t. I let the anger stew inside of me until I would blow up at anyone and everyone.

I hate that. I don’t want to be like that.

So this year, I’m taking a stand. I’m Jasmine Mary, god damn it (substitute Mary for a last name that I’m not revealing ;P). I’m smart and I can sing and I’m at least somewhat funny. I refuse to be desperate for friends. If I have to eat alone, so be it. I’ll be in the middle of the courtyard, reading my book and not caring. Because it’s bull, thinking of yourself as less than anyone, taking a bunch of crap from people just because they’re hanging out with you.

Last year, there was a boy that asked me out. I wanted to say yes, so badly, but there was a good chance I’d be made fun of if I did. He wrote me the sweetest poem I have ever recieved. It made me cry to read it. And I convinced myself that I didn’t want him, because I was so damn worried about what they’d think. I was deluded into thinking I liked another boy, one who didn’t have the balls to ask me out directly, instead skirting around the subject. “Call me and we can… hang out.” “Want to go to a movie? Just us?” That kind of relationship is for some people. Not for me. No way.

I’m not going to compromise my morals. I’m not going to be a wallflower. I will not be known as the quiet kid.

This summer has changed me, and all for the better. I am confident (sort of). When I don’t feel like it, I’ll fake it. I don’t need a guy. If I find one, I’m going to make sure he’s worthy, that he’s romantic and sweet and right for me.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Most of you will never read this, and there aren’t that many to begin with. But it feels good, to get it out. I might keep a copy of something similar in my purse, so it’s always there, so I remember this promise I’m making myself.

I, Jasmine Mary, am going to be more confident. I will not stand to be talked down to, and I will be outgoing. My opinions will be, if not heard, at least voiced, and I’m going to make damn well sure I have an enjoyable junior year.

I’m turning over a new leaf. I quit dance. It’s time to shake off the things I don’t like about myself, that I’ve been wanting to change for goodness knows how long.